I Finally Get It Mum

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Motherhood has made me see my own mama in a whole new light. The love and the sacrifices…

When I was growing up, I spent a lot of my time telling my mum not to worry. Whether it was a school hiking trip, a night out with friends or even a quick run to the shops, she would always tell me to ‘be careful’ and I’d say ‘don’t worry mum’ to which she’d always reply ‘I’m your mama, I will always worry about you.’

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My mum and me when I was about 18 months.

I never truly acknowledged that sense of worrying until the day I found out that we were expecting. I heard about that maternal need to care and protect, but feeling it what a whole different thing. Now, I’m in awe of my mum for having the courage to send me and my brother abroad to the UK when we were 10 to study and only see us every three months or so. I used to think I would be able to do the same when Lola grows up, but now I’m not so sure. 

The sacrifices my mum made for our education and personal growth has given me a sense of independence at a young age that I’ll forever be grateful for. Despite not living in my family home for most of my upbringing, we are still incredibly close, however I do feel that I always have to downplay it when I’m poorly or feeling low so I don’t cause her unneeded anxiety.  

She’s an incredible mother, despite her questionable cooking and brutal honesty. She taught me a lot about sacrifices (she gave up her job and social life to raise twins pretty much alone while my dad worked), significance of personal development through music or reading, living to the max and the importance of showing affection. She’s such a loving person to everyone she meets.

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Mum in Dolce & Gabbana (naturally) and me in Ganni on Christmas Day 2018.

Now I’m the worrier. I’m worried that I won’t make the right choices for Lola – even now I don’t know if I’m feeding her right! I want to have the same level of honestly and respect between us as I had with my parents – I was living miles away from them and yet I was such a goodie goodie because I didn’t want to disappoint them. How the hell did they do that?!

I’m also worried that there will come a time when Lola won’t need me. When she won’t tell me things, when she’ll have her own life, and basically become an independent woman shrugging off my hugs and kisses. It’s inevitable, it’s what happened to me and all of us at some point, and just like my mum, I could only hope that whatever path she chooses (with our guidance) she is happy. 

My mum also said that I’ll understand her when I become a mother, and she was absolutely right. 

 

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